Tuesday, January 10, 2017

One. (For when I am gone)

Don't get dragged through
Don't be consumed
Don't catch it through
Don't be consumed


My loves, eomma is now gone.  I will not tell you that it will not hurt.  I will not tell you not to cry.  It will hurt.  Please, cry.  Cry until you feel numb.  Cry until you feel that it is time to say goodbye. I will tell you though, to please cry together.  Feel numb together.  Say goodbye, together.  It is by being together that you will get through this. It is by being together, that you will be okay.

Ate, you will have to be strong.  You’re an adult now. You should be the one going through all the motions of arranging a funeral.  And I will leave to you some suggestions about what I wanted, but it would be up to you to follow or completely ignore.  For one, I would not want everyone else to see me dead.  I never felt it necessary for other people to see someone dead.  I will not take pride into lying down in a coffin, dressed in ruffles, for everyone to gawk and talk about. If possible, I want to be cremated immediately.  I have nightmares thinking of lying in a coffin.  Just hold a service showing my urn and a pretty picture.  A picture that will remind everyone what I looked like happy and healthy.  I hope that you can fulfill this.

People will come to you and offer you support.  Please ignore remarks that might hurt you.  People feel awkward during funerals and stuff that comes out of their mouths is sometimes hurtful, without them knowing.  Just ignore them. And thank them for their sympathy.

People will give you money.  They are called “abuloy.”  You must accept and keep them.  These will be pooled and used to pay for the funeral services, and for the food that will be served throughout the service.  Remember to hold masses during the wake.  Ask help from my family/relatives like Diche or my brothers, if you are in a bind.   I am not sure who will take over everything, most probably Mama, but you cannot just depend on her, because she will also be grieving the most.

Losing a child is the most painful thing there is, so please console Mama.  Hug her. She will need it.

I'm sorry. For dying. For leaving.  I hope one day, we'll fangirl together again.

Kuya... we've come a long way together.  I cannot write this without crying with longing even if I am still around. Just thinking about leaving you three behind pains me to no end.  As you are also now an adult, you have to be responsible now. Especially towards Tony.  

I know you know you are different than most people.  Having autism is not the end of the world, my love.  You are one of the exceptions.  You are smart and capable to live a normal life.  And i wish and pray that you will.

Tony, my french fry, it's with deep regret that I leave you.  Regret that I will not be able to hear you call me "bitch" or "eomma" anymore.  That I will not be able to touch your hair... or watch you sleep.  That I will not be able to see your wife or kids. 

All three of you... you have kept me going for so many years.  I know those years will never be enough, but they were all we had.  I hope that the memories I leave behind will be enough, though,  to last you a lifetime.


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